My wife yelled at me when I got home today because her bra strap was bothering her.
"Interesting, honey."
Clearly this was something for which I was responsible in crazy pregnant logic. I began wondering if crazy pregnant logic could be mapped to real life logic, and answer the ageless question of why pregnant women yell at fathers. So I asked that very question of some pregnant women, granted they were not within kicking or accurate throwing distance of my face or testicles.
If you're waiting for some clear cut way to avoid being yelled at by a pregnant woman, I'm sorry, it doesn't exist. You will most likely get yelled at for no reason. Just try and not explode and as one woman put it,
"Guys need to be instructed (early and often) to just reply 'Yes dear' and to say 'I love you' and 'You are so beautiful!' throughout the pregnancy."
In a recent question I posed on Yahoo! Answers, one woman said that"I just look at my boyfriend and want to smack him for no reason at all. And my man is the sweetest most gentle and loving guy in the world." You heard it guys, don't be sweet, gentle and loving.
Maybe try being a jerk? Well, another woman says she yells at her husband because "he'll do really selfish things like asking ME to get HIM something to eat while I'm laying down." Okay, no luck there.
How about trying to sneak beneath the radar and not get too extreme either way? Sounds good except for the multiple women who said that what made them yell was "him breathing." I kid you not.
It's basically inevitable that she will yell at you. Some reported remorse afterwards, but others sounded on the brink of murder.
A few excerpts of what women answered when asked why they yell at the fathers of their children during pregnancy:
1. "It's mostly hormonal for me. It's like all the little things that irritate me but I don't bother with get amplified when I'm pregnant and I can't ignore it.
2. "Him breathing...no seriously
3. "Its hormones I'm afraid you are gonna have to put up with it.
4. "When I was pregnant, I was irritated by my husband because of:
Everything he says
The way he acts
The way he breathes
They way he walks across a room
5. "He plays with his friends way too much for a married man and father!
6. "In my pregnancy I don't like my husband touching me, kissing me or having sex. I get irritable alot easier when he doesn't do things I ask...
7. "In my case it wasn't hormonal.......He was just an A**hole.
Too all you expectant fathers, good luck and stay safe.
42 comments:
Thanks so much for undertaking such an endeavor! I'm a mom-to-be in my eighth month and I wish this had been around a long time ago. It gives me some insight into what expectant dads go through, since sometimes those close to you are too close to learn from. At least it has helped me realize just what I put my poor husband through. I'll make sure I pass it on to him.
My pregnant co-worker (6 1/2months) and I have started reading your blog each afternoon. We have tears streaming down our faces. I worry she may go into premature labor. Hilarious!!! This blog has book deal written all over it. Good luck!! Fish
I'g glad you all like it so much. Fish, if you know any agents or publishers, pass it along!
YOU are hysterical and I so feel your pain!!
Great blog! My wife is actually in the 8th month with our second child, and we are going through just about everything you describe here, as I type really! I just got in a huge fight about her wanting sushi, and me suggesting we get it later, as I have to work (I work at home) and can't spend 2 hours in or local sushi place. Instead I got chinse/vietnamese take out, which she normally likes....Well...man, was that a mistake...that lead to 2 hours of arguing over how men are inconsiderate and how she hates my mother. Next time I'll just get the damn sushi! Anyhow, I'm glad to know that its not just me and the my wife is on average, your typical irritable pregnant woman.
-Brandon
ps
she is now eating the chinese food she stated she would not eat...and for which she through things at me for...go figure!
My wife is 8 months pregnant and she just told me that the sound of her own chewing bothers her! I think she was trying to make me feel better.
This is so great!!!! I was looking for a book or googling for something on I tunes. My wife is only 5 weeks pregnant with our second child and is already freaking out!!!! It's great to see this, be able to take a break, and get some sound advice......As good of a relationship that you may have - it doesn't make a damn bit of different when you wife is pregnant......She is always mad at you then will feel bad the next day..
I gotta remember to stick with the advice I just read, and remember to hit back with the i love you's and you look great.....
Will try and report back - I love this site!!!!
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for all the great comments! It's an amazing time and I wish all of you the best of luck. That being said, there are also a ton of changes and I hope some commentary from the expectant father's side gives you something to which you can relate and makes the whole process a little easier.
Thanks for reading!
- Bill
I'm about 2 months pregnant and I feel like smashing my boyfriends' face in every 20 minutes! I actually hate feeling this way and I feel disgust with the things coming out of my mouth, yet have no control to stop it. I hope my hormones get back on track soon because he's not the most patient and it could get ugly if we don't reach a middle ground soon. People tell him that he won't be right for the next few months and to just grin and bear it... but I'm not sure he's got it in him. Usually where I might back down, I don't see that happening right now. I love your comments and views and will forward this on to my man. Hopefully he'll start understanding that I need lots of patience right now.
I think the MOD should inject soldiers with female pregnancy hormones! You aint seen or experienced anything till you've lived with a pregnant woman. Its a pity that nobody tells us dads to be what were gonna go through before the great event. I've been to hell and back in the last 12 weeks and I've just found your blogg, and now it all makes sense! I laughed so loud I cried. Now if she'd only let me back in my house...
Why do pregnant women yell at you? Because they can. Because their bodies are going thru hell, they've likely spent more time than they'd ever want to with their head in the toilet bowl, because every movement eventually can become painful, because a baby's foot is in their ribcage and they can't get it out, because they are sleep deprived when heart burn sets in for a few months, because they feel fat and unattractive.
As a mom of four kids, been there done that, lol.
omg this was so funny we have 3 days left till our third child gets here and man have the hormones been raging everything from she doesnt want the kids anymore to im so worthless but i just let it roll off me cause ive been through this before you would have figured us fasthers with more than one kid would learn ,and we wonder why our wives and girlfriends call us morons .
Can I save my marriage?
On flight home from Boston they upgraded me to first class but not my wife. I told her they only had one seat and she didn't really say anything. We're 14 weeks pregnant. I figured she can't drink or eat the lunchmeat sandwich so I took it. Big mistake! Now she wants a divorce after the baby is born. I don't know what to do. She has said so many mean things. I'm just numb. What can I do?
Dude, you are in so much trouble if you are serious and this isn't in fun! You take a 1st class seat when SHE is the one pregnant? (You can say "we" are pregnant but she is the only one with the morning sickness, weird cravings, mood swings, body changes and aches and pains.) Couldn't you have offered to switch seats with her so the pregnant woman could've been more comfortable or turned down the seat if you couldn't and stayed by your wife's side? As far as taking a sandwich from a pregnant woman because you think she can't eat it (not sure why she wouldn't eat it...I've had four kids and eaten lunch meat)...I'd have stabbed my husband's hand with a fork!
If this isn't a joke, you really need to do a whole lot of making up and show her you can be considerate of her condition and what she is going thru. It's time to stop thinking about yourself.
I would've been uber ticked off if dh had left me on an airplane for a first class seat whether I'd been pregnant or not.
Forgot to address this comment you made "she has said so many mean things" (what about her feelings and what you did to her?). After you showed her no consideration, what did you expect a hormonal woman to do? Good luck, lol!
This was very helpful, it helps to know that i'm not the only one taking a beating from the misses on a daily basis. I believe she sent me this blog as a way for me to learn how to deal with her during our pregnancy. I would like to know however what happens after the birth. Will wifey return to normal or am I destined to be her eternal irritation? A little hope is needed here. I'd love to hear about others experiences.
I believe this is not new for most dad's to be. We've heard of it, but we brush it off cause it's not going to happen to me. It does, so we just need to be reminded that we are not alone. Dad's, keep your head up, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel(except for the airplane 1st class seat guy). I can take a pretty good mental beat down, but my wife knows exactly where my soft spots are, she is the Sugar Ray Loenard of jabs and shots. We are in the 5th round and my only defense is a yes dear block, follwed with an I love you jab, then I throw a you're beautiful upper cut, but she keeps coming and coming. Just when I think I am running out of steam, she rope-a-dopes me with a smile, which is really just a smirk, letting me know I am going down. Luckily there is only 4 more rounds to go. The boy is due in November. Thanx for listening.........
my girlfriend is at 33 weeks now and its the most difficult thing she has had to do in her life. and its the most difficult thing i have had to experience either!!
Ive tried doing everything right for 8 months but i really find it hard.. i appreciate you guys shedding some light onto this matter. my gf has been angry at me all week, not said a nice word and we should be getting married in 4 weeks (its a strange situation). We were supposed to get the date for the wedding yesterday but she told me that she couldnt be bothered answering the phone to them because shes angry with me!
Should i really just say yes dear again? she really has said things that another man wouldnt say to me.. shes hit me (only through frustration and thank god she doesnt know how to punch) and our relatinship feels to be nothing right now. i feel like brother and sister at the moment.. just co existing.
Should I just say say yes dear i love you again and forget everything because she is pregnant?
it miight sound like a stupid question but im finding it hard!
Hi Col,
As hard as it seems, yes, just grin and bear it. If you read the other comments from both men and women on this and other posts here, you'll realize that you're not alone and this happens to most people. Some of the comments from mom's themselves say it all.
There are times during a pregnancy when your relationship with the mother will be strained. It won't seem all smiles and sunshine like what led you up to getting pregnant in the first place! As long as she wasn't like that before, she likely won't be like that after the pregnancy (although she will be exhausted for a few months.)
It's difficult, but it is well worth it in the end. I would do what you can to make her comfortable and push ahead with the wedding.
Best of luck!
Bill
bill
very much appreciated comments!
i think i just need that validation from people with more experience..
im a little scared that if i give in to everything then the rest of our relationship will be like this.
time to do the manly thing and say sorry i think..(although im not quite sure for what :op)
I dont know how you guys do it. My girlfriend is deff not the person I saw myself having kids with. Not in a million years. She moved in with me from her parents house. She's 22 and a spoiled little girl. I cant stand her. She tells me she hates me at least once a week and throws little 6 year old fits and storms out of the room. She's hit me a few times. This weekend we are moving into a bigger apartment and I really dont want to with her but on the other hand I want to spend as much time with my son as I can before we split and also so I have to pay that much less child support. Oh by the way she's due DEC 12th. She has a heart condition that speeds up her heart really fast sometimes and all I can think about is her dieing at childbirth. Are these thoughts normal? I really can not stand her even though I dont tell her. I put my fake smile on every day and compliment her. I pay for EVERYTHING. She works part time at the boys and girls club. She has never saved a penny and blows all her money on worthless things. I hate my life.
To dadat. hang in there.
I am finding the same trouble. Life with wife is hell, she was very moody before and I mistakenly thought pregnancy would stop the 2 week monthly narcissistic side. Sadly not its worse, but at least once the whale thing is over our bundle of Joy will make up for all the horrible words, the hitting the lashing out. This is the belief.
Right now its gotten to the state that I have moved to a hotel, because she wanted some space. Well, i'm confused as to whether its a test or she really has got what she wanted and is finished with me. Confused is not the word. Men im starting to understand, no not what goes on at this time and really don't understand. But this is one of the biggest tests you will have in your life, so think wisely and consider that your wife is having a hard time worse than you!
i just posted a comment and used the word narcissistic. this was not the word i meant really. the word i meant was closer to sadistic. can you please amend. thanks
I know it's difficult, but 'hang in there' is the advice that I would reiterate. They're not always the women you're used to, but it's foreign to them as well. Hitting, insulting, questioning your relationship, insulting, etc., etc. etc. can all be par for the course. It's worse with some women with others. Some aren't bad at all. Some are the devil incarnate. For the most part, they either don't truly mean it, can't control it or aren't even aware they're doing it.
Just keep in mind that it's temporary and that at the end you'll have an amazing little child.
I understand what everyone's going through in here. My gf is 9 weeks along and I find myself counting the days already. I feel like I'd rather be working than being home with her. I do everything from catering her needs to rubbing her feet, and it still isnt enough.
I can understand yelling at you for not having the laundry done, or not having the toilet seat down, but my pregnant girlfriend goes straight into attacking me as a person calling me and idiot, stupid, other expletives as well, and get violent.
So its coming down to it. A little over a month till our first child is here. My girlfriend had her baby shower this weekend. More worthless crap we done need. The only things I saw that we actually needed was a diper genie a case of diapers and a case of wipes. Probly the diaper bag too. Heather (my girlfriend) has for the most part calmed down on her hormones. Not all the way but thats to be expected. She still has an attitude. I just got laid off from work again. the second time thats happened during this pregnancy. And with only a month left I have no clue how I am going to provide for my family if I am always out of work. I pay all the bills but just barely. I keep thinking that she will probably end up dumping me and going back to her ex who is a state patrol officer with all the job security in the world and leave me paying child support and never getting to see my son. I noticed on her "just mommies" blog board or what ever it is that she was talking about me and the fact that I dont know how to "decorate". I admit...I am a man and do not care about decorating. I feel like im trapped in hell with no hope.
Dadat24, coming on this board shows that you want to find the tools to make this work with her.
Like Bill says, "Hang in there", and the only thing I would add is try to continually support her and show that you are interested and involved in the pregnancy. While she might get caught up in the details surrounding the pregnancy such as decorating the nursery, maybe you could say that you would be happy to do the work involved and take your decorating tips from her. If you show interest in making the nursery a home for your family and baby, I don't see how she could want to leave you for her ex. The very fact she wants to make her nursery comfortable suggests just that she wants to stay!
And be patient with the job hunt -- the most important thing is to not take your frustration and anxiety out on her and to have the appearance of being confident and reassuring to her. She needs the support more now than ever, and it's your job to give it to her, with or without a job.
How could she leave a man that give her all of himself?
Thank God I am not the only one going through this. My sweetheart turned into a jealous, possessive angry woman. She hates herself and says will hate herself for the rest of her life. The yes dears(I try so hard to say) are getting old. We are a month today and I am the biggest pile of crap in her eyes. What God would let this happen? I never want to have another child again
Guys,
You see my comment a few months back, well things didnt improve immediatly. We got married (she was late, we had people travelling from england and poland to berlin where we are, it was a nightmare, the hotel was rubbish for the night and so on. But the next day everything was different i think the marriage coincided with the last 4 weeks of pregnancy and I can honestly say we have never had a better relationship.
Then our little one came, it was a 22 hour birth i was there the whole time and i couldnt even say anything, even when i tried to say your doing well honey I just got swore at (so did everyone else)
When the little one arrived we were so happy and a real little family, now three weeks later I can see that my wife is finding it hard and im trying to do everything right but its to be expected. If its your first child then you are about to get your eyes opened.
Yes my wife controls everything, yes she takes him away from me and thinks she can do everything better but so what, every woman feels like this when they have a new child.
All I know is i love them both, and any arguement can be overcome. the 9th months of pregnancy you have to just deal with. There is nothing you can say, not even "yes dear" cause its patronising. When you see your son in front of you things will be different.
Even now, we argues at the weekend but its all forgotten. We only have each other to argue at so its to be expected. Just dont do anything rash and you'll be fine. I believe that pregnancy is also the mans test to see if you can be a father, and its one hell of a test for both of you.
To Dadat24,
Dude I feel your pain, your story sounds pretty much like mine (except for the ex). I've been doing EVERYTHING in my power to keep my girlfriend happy to no avail.
When I mean EVERYTHING, I mean exactly that... As soon as we found out that we were gonna be parents she literally gave up on doing any household chores. I fully understand that she is going through changes, and I know for a fact that I've read more articles / books / web pages about pregnancy / parenthood / what to expect.
I'm pretty sure she feels like I'm lecturing her on the important details, but she fails to see that I'm just trying to show her that I give a sh*t and that I Love her to death. Dadat24 your girlfriend sounds like mine... This is the first place that she's lived other than her Mom's place and I feel like she just expects me to do everything by myself.
I fully understand that in the 3rd trimester I will have to literally do everything because she will pretty much be immobile. She is short and reaching everything in the cupboards above the counter top will pretty much be impossible, HOWEVER; that is the 3rd trimester... She is just starting her 11th week and she has done the dishes once... and that's it.
To top things off, I get thanked by getting malice and hatred in return... or my personal favorite, I get COMPLETELY ignored. Nothing says "You're not important enough for a response" quite like it. Its very mentally and emotionally draining... I have a lot of patience but this ungratefulness / selfishness is driving me to the edge.
I'm also getting laid off of work and I'm stressing out. I'm lucky that she has a good paying job and we should still be able to scrape by, but that's just another kick to the junk >_<
I just pray to God that things change once the baby is born. I know that everyone says it will, but I have a really really REALLY bad feeling that things will stay the same, except on top of doing every household chore, I'll be taking care of the baby too.
I wish that she would grow up and take responsibility for what WE got ourselves into. I have... would be nice to know that she would do the same.
thank f!@k I've found this page
Ya dude, this site is pretty awesome for the "Fathers-to-be" its very informative and Bill is quite helpful with advice.
Just keep on reading and chances are you will find what you need to know.
It is definitely a struggle, one that all people say is worth it in the end (when your baby is born).
However... its definitely a trip getting there.
Don't worry too much tho, its not all bad getting there... just most of the time =P
I'm so glad I've found this page, everything makes sense now. Its reassuring that everything I'm experiencing is apparently normal. I am suffering it big time lately though! My missus is 14 weeks now and its turning into a rollercoaster ride for me... everything I do annoy's the hell out of her, breathing, anything I say. I just get a barrage of verbal abuse for doing nothing untoward. I'm trying my best to be understanding and have just decided to stay out of her face as much as possible. Hopefully she'll come round in the end, its good to know that I'm not alone and reading everyone elses experiences has been very helpful!
Think of it as a test. A subliminal test. A test that has been going on since man and woman came to be. Stay the course and keep your eye on the reason you are there. This is what seperates the men from the boys and where boys become men. This is just one of the many challenges you will face together although it seems like it's more challenging for you. Take the bad times and go spend time with friends and family that are supportive. Keep your head up and stay the course. I describe my wifes behavior as temporary insanity. She was crazy. Try not to let it drive you too far away. She needs you more now more than ever, even tough she is not consious enough to acknowlegde it. A test of all tests to see who will stay and who will go. So many wonderful rewards await those that make it through. A child is the most precious, helpless, incredible human being there is.
I have never responded to a blog until I read this one and felt compelled to share. My wife and I have a 7 month old beautiful little girl and now are expecting identical twin girls. The first pregnancy was brutal, but this one is a nightmare in which I can't wake up from. I swear this past week I could have sworn I saw my wife's head do a complete circle as she insulted me that would make Charles Manson fall to his knees and cry. It is without a doubt all worth it when the little miracle arrives. It is the most amazing love you will ever experience.
So what exactly is the appropriate thing to do when your wife is screaming bloody murder at you because the mail isn't stacked neatly? I'm finding "I'm sorry" doesn't work all that well and she launches into reasons why the mail means we should be divorced, we should sell the house, I'm evil and so on. I'm finding my pregnant wife has a remarkable ability to hit my weak spots when she's mad at me. It seems odd to stand there rooted to the ground as she does this. Is it weakness or strength to stand and take it?Any coping mechanisms? Walking away = no. Interupting = no. Defending yourself = rather useless. Yelling back = oh my goodness no. Tips?
Mailstacker,
Improper mail arrangement is not grounds for divorce with any sane person. In situations like those it is best just to take it and let it pass. I think it's clear that she's just not herself right now and likely not open to an reasonable discourse.
The only thing that might work is trying to calmly confront her about her poor treatment of you, which might make her feel guilty. However, this is risky and you will likely face one of three possibilities A) blubbering mess wife who you then have to console, B) even angrier wife who will show no mercy C) quiet wife. Quiet wife is the most dangerous of all because you never know what is lurking beneath the surface.
Long story short, just take it.
As for coping mechanisms, I recommend exercise. Wait till she leaves, drop to the floor and just pound out a bunch of push ups. They're a healthy way of blowing off steam. Make sure you're getting enough rest and eating well. I'd also try and find friends you can talk to, even if not about pregnancy. Just people you can interact with on another level so you have normal human contact. Having other interactions to occupy you will help make it seem less overwhelming.
Hang in there and let me know how it goes.
Bill
Ok. My fiance and I have known each other for years. We were best friends in the Marine Corps and then more than that after. She wanted me to quit my job making 150k a year in Iraq to come home to her. So I did. She got pregnant. Now it's my fault that I quit my job and it's hard to find a new one. Then I got a new job, and it's my fault for not starting yet. She calls names, and doesn't liked being touched...so I dont touch her, then she gets mad when I dont touch her...she gets mad if I dont drive her to work, she gets mad if I do...and the list can go on and on. I really don't know what to do anymore....She wants me to leave now, because she doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm sorry honey, doesn't work, but the truth is, I have no where to go now. She said she will want to leave me if I dont go to counseling (sp) with her. SO, I go, and the counselor points out that she needs to send more attention my way...and pretty much it's not all about her....well she forgets that, and when I get moody because of the way she is acting, she throws the counceling in my face. Was the counceling just a way to hold something against me? I'm not sure anymore...but she says I have until the time she gets home to leave. Please help!!!!
-Confused in D.C.
thanks everyone for the advice. My girlfriend is 6 weeks along and I'm already thinking we'll be seperated before the birth. She is so crazy and insulting I don't know how much I will take. She is so moody she is happy to her friends and family but treats me like trash. I am really worried she'll never get back to normal. I've always wondered how men can leave their kids and family only see them every other weekend. Now I see why. It does not look good from here. Is it normal to see such crazy signs
This early?
in the middle of May, my fiancee` proposed to me. The girl to the guy. She was so in love with me that she wanted to be my wife for ever. We had both had failed relationships, and knew that we wanted to be married and raise a family. I have no children, she has 3 of her own. We decided to set a quick date. June 27th 2009. So, come to find out around the first Monday in June, she tells me we are pregnant, and so we figured it had to happen on the day she proposed to me. She was nervous, but still so happy. I came home from work, she took me into the bedroom and, grabbed my hand, laid on the bed and pulled my head close, kissed me deeply, looked into my eyes, "I love you so much, we are having a baby. You are going to be a daddy". Everything was perfect. Before that point we had only been actually together for a couple of months, but have known eachother really well for quit some time before that. We both were deeply in love with each other. Now, Today, June 25th, 2 days before our wedding, she can't stand anything about me. She is 6 weeks in. Prior to getting pregnant, she told me we would have to be careful, because she is worried that if she gets pregnant, she may resent me as she did her ex, to the point where she left him. Now she is right there. Hates the way I walk, breath, eat popsicles. EVERYTHING. Doesn't like my personality. We are getting married in two days, and all she wants to do is run away. She is going thru with the marriage because she needs the insurance from my job. So she says. Then, Saturday night last week, she tells me calmly how sorry she is for how she has been. How much she loves me and more than anything wants to marry me and spend the rest of our lives together. Next morning, she hates me more than a child hates the dentist. I love this woman more than I ever thought possible. I am scared she will never be back to the same. This can't be normal, is it? How can I not take it personally. She told me this may happen, but now it is like she doesn't even know that it is something she knew would happen and warned me about. She said the other night it would go away when she was back to being in love with me. But now she doesn't realize it is just the hormones, but more that I am everything she despises in life. Will she return? Is this just the hormones, or will we live a loveless marriage? Has anyone gone thru this and come out closer than before, or at least like it once was? Holy Crap help.
Go have a beer with some buddies when she lays into you. It worked for Archie Bunker. Hell, it's probably how neighborhood bars got their start. Go spend time with friends and family if your at your wits end. Her moods are going to change constantly. I know, it sucks but it's just what women do. Go have a beer. Take a taxi if you have a few. Stay safe and talk with friends and family. My wife is 7 weeks pregnant and it's our second.
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