I would like to relay a little anecdote which I will later tie into some basic guidelines for expectant fathers.

I previously mentioned Couvade, which is the phenomenon of paternal weight gain during pregnancy. Being aware of this, I have added some basic exercise to my routine and have dropped 12 pounds in the process. Meanwhile, my wife has gained another five pounds since her last appointment.

Some basic math made me realize that with her total gain of 18 pounds so far, and my loss of twelve, the gap between our respective body weights has closed by 40 pounds. I also realized that she would gain probably another 18 and I might lose another 10 or so, and quickly voiced my deduction, “wow, you might weigh more than me pretty soon, ha ha ha ha ha."

I gasped quietly. Inside thoughts, Bill. Inside thoughts. I knew I shouldn't have said that, but it was too late. The words had escaped my lips before I realized what I was saying, and apparently struck her ears with the force a kick from a steel toed boot. Her face dropped and she stared at me like she was about to shoot lasers through me.

I will kill you,” she said. “You better not lose any more weight.” I panicked.“I'm just teasing.” I frantically tried to come up with a reason why I was teasing and why it was completely plausible that she might pass me in weight. Pregnant women are shrewd, they can see through lies and will look for any reason to nail you to the wall.

“You're a tall woman, you're six feet tall and you're not gaining an excessive amount of weight at all. How many people have already told you how great you look? It's perfectly natural for you to put on even more weight, and I just happen to be exercising more. That's all. You look great and you're sexy as hell.”

“I know,” she said, “it just sounds like so much. You still better not weight less than me, though.”

So, injury narrowly averted and anecdote finished, what have we learned? If nothing, you'd be best off to wear a protective cup for the remainder of the pregnancy. I leaned several things:

1. Pregnant women are sensitive about their weight. Although it is completely natural for them to gain weight, that doesn't make them happy about it.

2. You should not at any point tease a pregnant woman about her weight. She may laugh initially, but she will almost certainly laugh as she stabs you in your sleep.

3. A clinical approach to a non-clinical comment can calm her long enough for you to flee the area.

4. Do not make it common knowledge, even to her, that she has passed you in weight should it happen.

5. Tell her how beautiful she is, over and over and over. It will help make up for any foot-in-mouth statements. Pregnancy nutrition is very important so you want to make sure she isn't hesitant about eating enough nutritious food.