Kids dealing with pregnant mothers

As I approached my front door the other night I caught an earful of screams coming from the neighbor's apartment. They're a quiet and pleasant family so I indulged my nosy side for a just a moment while fumbling for my keys

"I gave up my life for all of you! I give you everything. You're all selfish..." It was the normally placid mother tearing into her usually well-behaved children. Then I remembered, she was pregnant. She was unloading on her four kids in what sounded to be a rather hormonal rant, completely out of character for her. The youngest daughter, about 2 years of age, began to bawl. I could hear the 10 year old trying to comfort her to no avail.

Making things worse, the father is not in the picture, leaving them all without the support figure they each need. A dad's role should be to help a pregnant mother through her difficult times and similarly help kids through what is a period of upheaval for them as well.

Many grown men think that dealing with pregnant women is difficult, but consider the situation from the eyes of a child. It's confusing for adults but must be of an entirely different scale for children.

By the time I found my keys I felt pretty sad for them. Until then I had never considered the pregnancy experience from a kid's viewpoint. It just wasn't my experience growing up nor my experience with our children. However it made me realize how important it is for dads to play a support role to the entire family during pregnancy.

This blog is not about demonizing pregnant women, it never has been. It's about shedding some light on the father's experience which is not always easy. What I hope it points out is that the father does play an important role in supporting everyone involved, mother, upcoming baby and the kids who are already around.

If you're an expectant dad with children, keep an eye out for how your kids are responding to the situation. Help out as much as you can, throw yourself on as many grenades as possible, just make sure they're happy. If you know a single mom without a dad in the picture, help her out as well. She'll need it more than anyone.

10 Ways To Help Pregnant Women Feel Better

Direct from the Almost A Dad reader survey, here's a list of 10 tried and true ways to help pregnant women feel better, physically and/or emotionally.

1. Back rub / foot massages. This topped the list as AaD reader's favorite way to help their pregnant partners feel better. Pregnant women are often sore and uncomfortable due to increased weight, dietary changes and the fatigue that comes with growing a baby. A massage is a fantastic way to help ease the tension in her neck, back and shoulders. Have her sit on a pillow or lay on her side to make sure she is comfortable and relaxed.

2. Ginger ale. A good old fashioned favorite, ginger has a settling effect on the stomach and can be served in a few different ways. If ingested for an upset tummy or nausea, serve warm and flat. If it just hits the spot, serve cold. Mix with cranberry juice and ice for a refreshing treat and some good vitamins.

3. Time alone / Time to relax. This cuts both ways so be careful; you don't want to leave her alone too long, but you don't want to smother her either. She is tired, hormonal and may need some time to think about all the upcoming changes in her life.

4. Certain foods. Food can be friend or foe to a pregnant woman depending on mood, trimester, health and a host of other factors. Find out what your pregnant partner likes and stock up so she can have it at a moment's notice. Try and find healthy snacks if your partner is at risk of gestational diabetes. Just be prepared that she will suddenly hate what she loved yesterday.

5. Talking. Pregnancy can be as confusing and scary as it is exciting. Pregnant women go through so many physical changes, which says nothing for all of the emotional and even logistical changes you both with encounter. In the face of such a massive life event is helps to have someone to talk to. Give her an attentive ear and share some feelings of your own.

6. Attention / Compliments. Attention and compliments do well even when she's not pregnant. Spend time with her and tell her how beautiful she is and what an amazing mother you think she'll be.

7. Helping her out as much as possible, tasks, chores. Household responsibilities shift during pregnancy, there's no way of getting around it. Expectant mothers tire quickly (physically and emotionally) and often feel poorly a fair percentage of the time. Start by transitioning the chores that involve any lifting or physical exertion. Branch out into the niceties that make it easier for her to relax like some extra cleaning or picking up. Remember that a pregnant woman should never change the cat box.

8. Constant apologies, whether right or wrong. While I don't think you need to become a whipping boy, taking a lighter tack towards proving a point and avoiding conflict with an hormonally charged woman isn't the worst approach in the world.

9. Letting her have her way all the time. I personally disagree with this to some extent, however it came up quite a bit. Like #8, I think that softening your approach and being accomodating is important, but if you totally bow down to every ridiculous whim you may find yourself ready to snap by the end of the pregnancy. It's about balance and understanding that her circumstance is effecting her emotionally. With that in mind, cater to her as much as you can, but preserve your own sanity as you go.

10. Playing it by ear. One reader who seems to have a good handle on what can be a volatile situation wrote "I find that just playing it by ear is best. If she clearly needs space, I give it. If she clearly needs a hug, I give it. If she clearly needs onion rings at midnight, I go out and find them."

And a bonus...

11. Exorcism... because sometimes it's safest to get out of the house for a couple of hours.

Quick tip: How to ease foot pain in pregnant women.

The additional weight that expectant mothers carry begins to manifest itself clearly in the forms of aches and pains during the third trimester of pregnancy. Joints stiffen and ache and the feet in particular bear the brunt of the extra structural punishment.

Foot pain often leads to discomfort in other areas of the body, particularly the knees and back. This is one of the reasons why foot massage is at the top of many pregnant women's wish lists. It's a great way to help relieve the tension and pain that builds up in pregnant women's feet. I've detailed the pregnancy foot massage that I do for my wife and she hasn't stopped asking for one ever since.

While a massage is an effective cure, you know what they say about an ounce of prevention. On that note, an inexpensive and easy way to help mitigate sore feet for your pregnant partner is to buy her a pair of supportive shoe insoles. Shoe insoles help support the arch, increase stability and dissipate the shock to the heel and ball of the foot.

You can find a pair of comfort insoles online or at mostly any drugstore or supermarket for $10 - $25. Dr. Scholl's now makes insoles designed for open toed shoes. While insoles may not completely eliminate foot fatigue and soreness, combined with massage it will make the time a pregnant woman spends on her feet a little less painful.

Warning: the second trimester is a trap!

The second trimester is a brilliant tactic of instilling a false sense of security in expectant fathers. After surviving the first trimester gauntlet of nausea, crankiness and ginger ale shopping sprees, months four through six shine an entirely new light upon the proposition of pregnancy.

If I may, a brief analogy.

During the second trimester the pregnant woman emerges from her cocoon of morning sickness. Like a butterfly, she unfurls her glowing wings of pregnancy to the world. She is very hungry after completing her journey through the first three months and so will eat anything in her path; meat, vegetable, pastry or any domestic animal that comes within reach (R.I.P. Fluffy).

The transformation is truly as amazing as that of a caterpillar to a butterfly. Excitement sets in as you both look forward to the bundle of joy which will be blessing you in a few short months. You quickly forget the discomfort of the first few months and figure the rest of pregnancy will be equally as joyful. The baby begins to grow and change rapidly, and so does the mommy. The beauty of a pregnant woman becomes a site to behold.

However, much like the butterfly, after a few months the beauty stage of the pregnant woman comes to an end, as does my analogy. Don't get me wrong, pregnancy and the pregnant woman are still beautiful, but the experience for the father begins to revert to a test of will and patience. Now begins what I call the 'irritated' phase (for everybody involved).

Her mobility decreases and irritability increases. The expectant mother will gain more weight, ache more and vent all of these frustrations on you. Now the reason I call the second trimester a trap is that if fathers had to deal with the experience of the first and third trimesters in consecutive terms, many of us would end up going insane or bleeding to death from biting our tongues in excess.

Quotes from pregnant women

Here are a few quotes from pregnant women who have responded to surveys I have posted on various sites. I find these tidbits to be a comically informative look from the mother's point of view. As such, they're some good guidelines for expectant fathers.

"I think men should just think in their minds that women are in a temporary hormonal state and in that state it may appear that they have lost their minds, haha!

"Pregnancy is not all about moms. It is about love and sharing your life.

"We need to feel that our husbands still find us beautiful and alluring with swollen ankles and the appetite of a horse.

" My husband would touch me and I would vomit.

"...nothing about size should be uttered to a pregnant woman!

"I feel nauseous all freaking day!

"... it feels and LOOKS like my belly is an overgrown Mexican Jumping bean with Muhamid Ali inside.

".. it was so nice knowing he is as excited as I am.

"I get annoyed really easily and it helps to have him be quick to forgive me if I'm being unreasonable.

"Be good to your wife. She may be acting strong, but she really is fragile these days. Try to think about what you say before you say it.

Why pregnant women yell at you

My wife yelled at me when I got home today because her bra strap was bothering her.

"Interesting, honey."

Clearly this was something for which I was responsible in crazy pregnant logic. I began wondering if crazy pregnant logic could be mapped to real life logic, and answer the ageless question of why pregnant women yell at fathers. So I asked that very question of some pregnant women, granted they were not within kicking or accurate throwing distance of my face or testicles.

If you're waiting for some clear cut way to avoid being yelled at by a pregnant woman, I'm sorry, it doesn't exist. You will most likely get yelled at for no reason. Just try and not explode and as one woman put it,

"Guys need to be instructed (early and often) to just reply 'Yes dear' and to say 'I love you' and 'You are so beautiful!' throughout the pregnancy."

In a recent question I posed on Yahoo! Answers, one woman said that"I just look at my boyfriend and want to smack him for no reason at all. And my man is the sweetest most gentle and loving guy in the world." You heard it guys, don't be sweet, gentle and loving.

Maybe try being a jerk? Well, another woman says she yells at her husband because "he'll do really selfish things like asking ME to get HIM something to eat while I'm laying down." Okay, no luck there.

How about trying to sneak beneath the radar and not get too extreme either way? Sounds good except for the multiple women who said that what made them yell was "him breathing." I kid you not.

It's basically inevitable that she will yell at you. Some reported remorse afterwards, but others sounded on the brink of murder.

A few excerpts of what women answered when asked why they yell at the fathers of their children during pregnancy:

1. "It's mostly hormonal for me. It's like all the little things that irritate me but I don't bother with get amplified when I'm pregnant and I can't ignore it.

2. "Him breathing...no seriously

3. "Its hormones I'm afraid you are gonna have to put up with it.

4. "When I was pregnant, I was irritated by my husband because of:
Everything he says
The way he acts
The way he breathes
They way he walks across a room

5. "He plays with his friends way too much for a married man and father!

6. "In my pregnancy I don't like my husband touching me, kissing me or having sex. I get irritable alot easier when he doesn't do things I ask...

7. "In my case it wasn't hormonal.......He was just an A**hole.

Too all you expectant fathers, good luck and stay safe.

Take a pregnant momma to a movie

A great way to entertain a pregnant woman is to take her on a movie date. It gets you out of the house and calling it a 'date' will make your partner feel appreciated. It serves not only as a fun outing, but the air conditioning is a great way for her to beat the heat during the summer months.

This is particularly important because pregnant women have a hard time regulating their body temperature and can easily overheat. Climate controlled theaters provide entertainment and help her and the little sprout maintain reasonable temperatures. Give her a pregnancy foot massage before the show and you'll be a saint in her eyes.

However, like any activity with a pregnancy, there are a few things to keep in mind.

1. Find a theater with comfortable seats.

2. Get a seat accessible to the bathroom.

3. She'll need snacks, so bring an extra $500.

4. Don't bring her to any tear-jerkers. Remember, she's hormonal and a normally weep-worthy film may turn her in to a blubbering mess. Avoid movies with births, weddings and puppies. My wife almost cried at the end of Live Free or Die Hard today, anything more would have pushed her over the edge. Bring some tissues just in case.

A caveat to our outing, the baby started to kick as Bruce Willis began dispensing his own brand knuckle-fed justice, which I found incredibly cool. I had earlier nicknamed him the kung-fu fetus based on movement at an ultrasound, this just cemented it.

Dealing with pregnant women, a survey about what dads don't say

Everybody wants answers, but sometimes you need to ask a few questions first.

One of the most frequent ways men find this blog is through the search term "dealing with pregnant women" on Google. I find it interesting that the term "dealing" is used, as it clearly suggests that there's some issues with pregnant women which are causing problems for expectant fathers; that there is something to be "dealt" with in the first place.

However, beyond search referrals from that term, and even from my personal reading and research, the things about pregnant women that really bother expectant fathers are not clearly stated out there in the world. It may not only be difficult to find other fathers with similar experiences, but it may be that there isn't much out there for them to find.

Part of the pregnancy experience for men is that they in fact do not feel allowed to express themselves in fear of upsetting the mother. Furthermore, saying something about the difficulties of pregnancy may subject a man to critical judgment from others. Men are made to think that doing so would be selfish. After all, it's all about her isn't it? Or is it difficult, but very different, for both of you?

The problem is, without anyone to talk to or to share in this time, a man can easily feel marginalized. I am very lucky in that my wife and I communicate well with eachother. I can tell her that she's being a nut job (in different terms) and she won't hit me or yell at me. Likewise she tells me when I'm being a pain or not being adequately supportive. It doesn't mean that I don't fear for my testicles on a regular basis, but a lot of other couples are not so lucky and it can be an incredibly trying experience.

So here I am, I'm your sounding board. Post comments, email me, let me know what's bothering you about pregnant women and I'll try and get you an answer. I have a 10 question survey if you feel so inclined, but let me hear it. You need someone to commiserate with, not just share in the high times.

Survey link: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=KPhqJr5Kz0QShATNbRKXbQ_3d_3d

10 Things you need to know about dealing with a pregnant woman

1. She probably has to pee, right this moment.

2. Her mood may change at any moment.
... and then change back. Then back once more.

3. Morning sickness does not just occur in the morning.
Some women experience morning sickness all day, or feel worse into the evening. Be sympathetic.

4. She looks at you differently now.
This can work both ways, if you actively engage in preparing for the baby, she may love you more deeply. If you don't, she may be weary of your suitability as a father.

5. It takes a fraction of the time for her to get upset that it previously did.
Probably about a quarter of the time it used to.

6. You will hear the female anatomy discussed with unparalleled candor.
It will make you uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. You won't look at women the same way.

7. She will get freaked out.
Probably by some article she read, it is your job to find another article that says the first article is wrong.

8. If you don't sympathize with her, you will drop in her estimation.
Demonstrate some empathy for her aches, pains, nausea and fears or your relationship will be strained.

9. Don't expect her to maintain her pre-pregnancy activity levels.
She tires easily and won't be able to keep up with her normal activities, from her job to anything she might do around the house. You will have more to do.

10. She has to pee again.
Seriously.