Top 10 remedies to the Top 10 things not to say to a pregnant woman

A few days ago I listed the top 10 things not to say to a pregnant women, and today I've got some responses for damage control in case you happen to slip up and utter one of those phrases. You'll notice a pattern; the best way to diffuse a hormonal pregnant woman in many of these situations is a two step process of amuse and divert. However, some things you just can't get out of. Avoiding these phrases is the safest way to go, but if that doesn't work try the process of disappear and deny: get out of there and then pretend like it never happened afterwards.

And now, 10 things to say if you said one of the top 10 things not to say to a pregnant woman.

1. Statement: "I think cankles are sexy. "
Remedy: "I'm just kidding. You obviously don't have cankles!" Now run, insulting and sarcastic as I said before, this one is hard to get around. Buy her something nice. This mistake made twice will cost you your genitals if not your life.

2. Statement: "Those stretch marks will go away, right?"
Remedy: She may hit you, get quiet or start crying, or some combo there of. You need to buy something to fix this. Admit your insensitivity and buy her some good quality lotion or bio oil to help with stretch marks. Give it to her with a bow on it and apologize for being an insensitive ass.

3. Statement: "I'm not going to buy you new clothes if you keep outgrowing them."
Remedy: "I was just kidding, but it was insensitive none the less." Follow up and give her a gift card to a maternity store. The comfort she'll have from a few well-fitting items will more than offset the financial cost by reducing the amount of grief you'll have to put up with from her.

4. Statement: "Wow, that woman looks great for having two kids."
Remedy: "That must have cost a fortune in plastic surgery." Get catty, it's fine if it prevents personal injury.

5. Statement: "Why are you so tired?"
Remedy: Women hate when you show that you don't understand them, so turn this into a joke. "What, are growing another person or something?"

6. Statement: "What is wrong with you?"
Remedy: Follow immediately with "What, are you pregnant and tired or something?" She still may get her back up and claim she's not acting hormonal or strange. Back away slowly and don't turn around until she's out of sight.

7. Statement: "Will you get me something from the frigde?"
Remedy: If she's anywhere near the fridge and asks what, just say "a hug" because it's trap. If she doesn't throw something at you, she will remember that you asked her, in all her pregnant rotundity, to wait on you and will explode at a later date. If she's not near the fridge, just say "I'm kiding. Do you want anything wile I'm up?"

8. Statement: "You're starting to move like a [anything]. " i.e. "You're starting to move like a penguin."
Remedy: "I'm saying that of course because the penguin is a symbol of femenine beauty to the people of the Maldives." For this one you're hoping that:a. you can draw a positive parallel between the object (e.g. penguin, bear, truck) and your pregnant partner or
b. you can come up with a funny or obscure enough reference to make her laugh.
She still may hit you.

9. Statement: "You're not as much fun as you used to be."
Remedy: Again, keep it light and follow with "What, are you pregnant and tired or something?" Quickly divert conversation to focus on her. "How are you feeling by the way?"

10. Statement: "Are you really going to eat that whole sundae / sandwich / pizza ?"
Remedy: Follow immediately "Because I'd love a bite if you don't want it all."
Think on your feet, if you don't follow up quickly with this one, it won't work. If there is a delay try something like "I forget that you have to eat for two sometimes."

Rember, an ounce of prevention is worth at least a pound of blood that you'd lose if you actually say one of these things to your wife.

If your pregnant wife weighs more than you...

I would like to relay a little anecdote which I will later tie into some basic guidelines for expectant fathers.

I previously mentioned Couvade, which is the phenomenon of paternal weight gain during pregnancy. Being aware of this, I have added some basic exercise to my routine and have dropped 12 pounds in the process. Meanwhile, my wife has gained another five pounds since her last appointment.

Some basic math made me realize that with her total gain of 18 pounds so far, and my loss of twelve, the gap between our respective body weights has closed by 40 pounds. I also realized that she would gain probably another 18 and I might lose another 10 or so, and quickly voiced my deduction, “wow, you might weigh more than me pretty soon, ha ha ha ha ha."

I gasped quietly. Inside thoughts, Bill. Inside thoughts. I knew I shouldn't have said that, but it was too late. The words had escaped my lips before I realized what I was saying, and apparently struck her ears with the force a kick from a steel toed boot. Her face dropped and she stared at me like she was about to shoot lasers through me.

I will kill you,” she said. “You better not lose any more weight.” I panicked.“I'm just teasing.” I frantically tried to come up with a reason why I was teasing and why it was completely plausible that she might pass me in weight. Pregnant women are shrewd, they can see through lies and will look for any reason to nail you to the wall.

“You're a tall woman, you're six feet tall and you're not gaining an excessive amount of weight at all. How many people have already told you how great you look? It's perfectly natural for you to put on even more weight, and I just happen to be exercising more. That's all. You look great and you're sexy as hell.”

“I know,” she said, “it just sounds like so much. You still better not weight less than me, though.”

So, injury narrowly averted and anecdote finished, what have we learned? If nothing, you'd be best off to wear a protective cup for the remainder of the pregnancy. I leaned several things:

1. Pregnant women are sensitive about their weight. Although it is completely natural for them to gain weight, that doesn't make them happy about it.

2. You should not at any point tease a pregnant woman about her weight. She may laugh initially, but she will almost certainly laugh as she stabs you in your sleep.

3. A clinical approach to a non-clinical comment can calm her long enough for you to flee the area.

4. Do not make it common knowledge, even to her, that she has passed you in weight should it happen.

5. Tell her how beautiful she is, over and over and over. It will help make up for any foot-in-mouth statements. Pregnancy nutrition is very important so you want to make sure she isn't hesitant about eating enough nutritious food.