A few days ago I listed the top 10 things not to say to a pregnant women, and today I've got some responses for damage control in case you happen to slip up and utter one of those phrases. You'll notice a pattern; the best way to diffuse a hormonal pregnant woman in many of these situations is a two step process of amuse and divert. However, some things you just can't get out of. Avoiding these phrases is the safest way to go, but if that doesn't work try the process of disappear and deny: get out of there and then pretend like it never happened afterwards.
And now, 10 things to say if you said one of the top 10 things not to say to a pregnant woman.
1. Statement: "I think cankles are sexy. "
Remedy: "I'm just kidding. You obviously don't have cankles!" Now run, insulting and sarcastic as I said before, this one is hard to get around. Buy her something nice. This mistake made twice will cost you your genitals if not your life.
2. Statement: "Those stretch marks will go away, right?"
Remedy: She may hit you, get quiet or start crying, or some combo there of. You need to buy something to fix this. Admit your insensitivity and buy her some good quality lotion or bio oil to help with stretch marks. Give it to her with a bow on it and apologize for being an insensitive ass.
3. Statement: "I'm not going to buy you new clothes if you keep outgrowing them."
Remedy: "I was just kidding, but it was insensitive none the less." Follow up and give her a gift card to a maternity store. The comfort she'll have from a few well-fitting items will more than offset the financial cost by reducing the amount of grief you'll have to put up with from her.
4. Statement: "Wow, that woman looks great for having two kids."
Remedy: "That must have cost a fortune in plastic surgery." Get catty, it's fine if it prevents personal injury.
5. Statement: "Why are you so tired?"
Remedy: Women hate when you show that you don't understand them, so turn this into a joke. "What, are growing another person or something?"
6. Statement: "What is wrong with you?"
Remedy: Follow immediately with "What, are you pregnant and tired or something?" She still may get her back up and claim she's not acting hormonal or strange. Back away slowly and don't turn around until she's out of sight.
7. Statement: "Will you get me something from the frigde?"
Remedy: If she's anywhere near the fridge and asks what, just say "a hug" because it's trap. If she doesn't throw something at you, she will remember that you asked her, in all her pregnant rotundity, to wait on you and will explode at a later date. If she's not near the fridge, just say "I'm kiding. Do you want anything wile I'm up?"
8. Statement: "You're starting to move like a [anything]. " i.e. "You're starting to move like a penguin."
Remedy: "I'm saying that of course because the penguin is a symbol of femenine beauty to the people of the Maldives." For this one you're hoping that:a. you can draw a positive parallel between the object (e.g. penguin, bear, truck) and your pregnant partner or
b. you can come up with a funny or obscure enough reference to make her laugh.
She still may hit you.
9. Statement: "You're not as much fun as you used to be."
Remedy: Again, keep it light and follow with "What, are you pregnant and tired or something?" Quickly divert conversation to focus on her. "How are you feeling by the way?"
10. Statement: "Are you really going to eat that whole sundae / sandwich / pizza ?"
Remedy: Follow immediately "Because I'd love a bite if you don't want it all."
Think on your feet, if you don't follow up quickly with this one, it won't work. If there is a delay try something like "I forget that you have to eat for two sometimes."
Rember, an ounce of prevention is worth at least a pound of blood that you'd lose if you actually say one of these things to your wife.