Everybody wants answers, but sometimes you need to ask a few questions first.
One of the most frequent ways men find this blog is through the search term "dealing with pregnant women" on Google. I find it interesting that the term "dealing" is used, as it clearly suggests that there's some issues with pregnant women which are causing problems for expectant fathers; that there is something to be "dealt" with in the first place.
However, beyond search referrals from that term, and even from my personal reading and research, the things about pregnant women that really bother expectant fathers are not clearly stated out there in the world. It may not only be difficult to find other fathers with similar experiences, but it may be that there isn't much out there for them to find.
Part of the pregnancy experience for men is that they in fact do not feel allowed to express themselves in fear of upsetting the mother. Furthermore, saying something about the difficulties of pregnancy may subject a man to critical judgment from others. Men are made to think that doing so would be selfish. After all, it's all about her isn't it? Or is it difficult, but very different, for both of you?
The problem is, without anyone to talk to or to share in this time, a man can easily feel marginalized. I am very lucky in that my wife and I communicate well with eachother. I can tell her that she's being a nut job (in different terms) and she won't hit me or yell at me. Likewise she tells me when I'm being a pain or not being adequately supportive. It doesn't mean that I don't fear for my testicles on a regular basis, but a lot of other couples are not so lucky and it can be an incredibly trying experience.
So here I am, I'm your sounding board. Post comments, email me, let me know what's bothering you about pregnant women and I'll try and get you an answer. I have a 10 question survey if you feel so inclined, but let me hear it. You need someone to commiserate with, not just share in the high times.
Survey link: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=KPhqJr5Kz0QShATNbRKXbQ_3d_3d
Dealing with pregnant women, a survey about what dads don't say
10 Things you need to know about dealing with a pregnant woman
1. She probably has to pee, right this moment.
2. Her mood may change at any moment.
... and then change back. Then back once more.
3. Morning sickness does not just occur in the morning.
Some women experience morning sickness all day, or feel worse into the evening. Be sympathetic.
4. She looks at you differently now.
This can work both ways, if you actively engage in preparing for the baby, she may love you more deeply. If you don't, she may be weary of your suitability as a father.
5. It takes a fraction of the time for her to get upset that it previously did.
Probably about a quarter of the time it used to.
6. You will hear the female anatomy discussed with unparalleled candor.
It will make you uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. You won't look at women the same way.
7. She will get freaked out.
Probably by some article she read, it is your job to find another article that says the first article is wrong.
8. If you don't sympathize with her, you will drop in her estimation.
Demonstrate some empathy for her aches, pains, nausea and fears or your relationship will be strained.
9. Don't expect her to maintain her pre-pregnancy activity levels.
She tires easily and won't be able to keep up with her normal activities, from her job to anything she might do around the house. You will have more to do.
10. She has to pee again.
Seriously.
Meme and Dad - A game of daddy blog tag
So I got tagged with a meme from the 4 time dad (another fatherhood blogger who was kind enough to link me) on the topic of 8 interesting things about me.
Rules for this 8 interesting things post (as handed down by 4 time dad):I have no idea what other bloggers to tag, but anyway, without further ado, 8 interesting things about me:
· Each player must post these rules to begin the meme.
· Each player starts with eight random facts or habits about themselves.
· People who get tagged must blog about their eight things and post these rules.
· At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
· Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
1. My wife and I are having a boy.
2. I ate half a pepperoni pizza before bed last night so my pregnant wife wouldn't have to eat by herself.
3. I have an adversarial relationship with a gopher, much like Bill Murray in Caddy Shack.
4. I can't wait for the Bourne Ultimatum to be released.
5. You will not sleep as well as you normally do when eating half a pepperoni pizza before bed.
6. I rearranged the letters in "iPhone" and spelled "hip one". Although, I am not hip, as I do not own one.
7. I had to look up the word meme on Wikipedia.
8. I can tear a phone book in half. It's fun, but I run out of phone books to practice on because people don't use phone books as much as they used to.
What pregnant mothers wish fathers knew...
The following are a selection of quotes excerpted from a recent poll which asked pregnant mothers what they most wished fathers understood about pregnancy.
One thing I observed from the full set of responses is that there is often a breakdown in communication. Men don't always fully grasp how physically uncomfortable and emotionally exhausted women are during pregnancy, so a woman's words may fall on partially deaf ears. Likewise, in a hormonal and emotionally charged state women are not able to fully express themselves to their partners.
These answers provide some insight into the things that make pregnant women tick... often like a time bomb, so pay attention to what they would like from their expectant partners. A lot of times it's just a little compassion, some understanding of how poorly they feel physically or maybe just a back rub. (They love massages!)
1. " When I was pregnant the first time I was sick, tired, and miserable and my husband said in an exasperated voice "I don't know WHAT is the matter with you!" Every expectant father should know NOT to say that.
2. "How much it can totally sap your energy sometimes. You could be vaccuming and finish 1 room and feel like you ran a marathon, or have to sit down and rest in the middle of grocery shopping.
3. "...how annoying it is that you have pee all the time. There were a few weeks during my first pregnancy where I felt like I had to pee literally every 5 minutes... My husband got annoyed because I didn't want to go to a party one evening (how fun would that be to camp out in the potty) and I wished he could have understood that it wasn't like it was a real choice for me.
4. "He doesn't understand when I say I'm not in the mood! I feel sick and out of it, and all I get in return is 'you got pregnant and now you dont need me'
5. "I've told him several times i cant eat certain things and he just totally doesnt understand what im saying... he keeps wanting to go out and eat sea food im like i cant do that! haha its annoying.
6. "I wish my husband know how horrendous I feel all day everyday. how lethargic & exhausted I am, and how anxious & stressed out, how badly I just want to relax & not be constantly asked for something (like dinner, or cookies, or sex, or whatever--he asks for these things at least once a day).
7. "I also wish he knew how close to the edge I am--I feel like I'm barely holding it together & feel like I'm going to snap at any moment. I wish he'd volunteer to help out more, I'm totally frazzled & forgetful & feel scared & worried and insecure & stressed.
8. "I wish that the fathers knew how much pain and agony that us mothers go through. Not only with labor and delivery, but the whole entire pregnancy. I wish that fathers were more compassionate and understanding during that time too.
9. "Fathers should give lots of backrubs without us having to beg.
Pregnancy nutrition, another tale of night time snacks
It was mint chocolate chip ice cream at
“Do you want some mac and cheese?” Alison looked at me sheepishly as if it was an off handed idea not prompted by ravenous hunger or impulse cravings.
It was incredibly tasty and I’m glad I did it. Not only was it a great treat, hopefully it will help preserve the gap between my body weight and my wife’s.
Incidentally, if you love the yummy, inexpensive and non-perishable glory that is macaroni and cheese as much as I do, there is an alternate way to prepare this delicious dish that reduces the amount of fat, sodium and calories per serving.
On the side of the Kraft mac and cheese boxes there are instructions which include using unsalted butter in a smaller quantity, among other small tweaks. This cuts the fat of the dish by 65% and the calories by 25%.
How to: Pregnancy foot massage
In a most of the Yahoo! Answers questions I have posed to pregnant women, the most common statement from expectant mothers is that foot massage was the most physically soothing thing anyone could do for them. Extra pregnancy weight causes particular fatigue and pain in the feet and joints that really begins to manifest in the second trimester and take both a physical and emotional toll on them. Not only will pregnancy massage help them feel better, it is also apparently the key to vaulting your status to sainthood in the eyes of expectant moms.
I've provided some basic instructions for a great spa foot massage that my wife loves, as well as the gear you will need. You can adapt as you see fit or depending on the materials you have.
* Butt covering
Certain acupressure points in the feet are thought to trigger early contractions. These points would most likely require prolonged, intentional stimulation on precise points, which is not the type of massage described here. But, I am not an acupressure specialist, I'm not a doctor, I'm not educated in massage, so basically proceed at your own risk.
Supplies:
- A small tub to soak her feet in
- Baby oil or Epsom Salt or gentle skin cleansing soap ($5)
- Optional: pumice stone foot scrubber ($2.99)
Massage Steps:
Dissolve some Epsom salts in a tub of warm water. Other options are some baby oil to soften the skin or a gentle soap. Soak her feet for a few minutes before you begin.
Working on one foot at a time, rub some exfoliant over the entire surface of the foot and up the calves. Massage the calf muscle up and down with your fingertips as you go.
Rinse the exfoliant from her lower leg and feet with the water in the tub.
(Optional.) Use a pumice stone foot scrubber on her heel and the ball of her foot to remove rough, dead skin. If it has a brush on one side, use it to gently brush the tops of her toes and nails.
Remove her foot and gently blot her feet and legs, leaving slightly damp.
Put a liberal amount of lotion on your hands and begin working it into her foot and up her calf.
Grasping her foot with both hands, gently rub the bottom of her foot with alternating thumb strokes from the heel towards the toe. You can also use your knuckles or the palm of the hand to massage the arch.
Grasp the heel with one hand and use the other hand to gently apply pressure on the big toe and ball of the foot to stretch the arch. Release and repeat.
Grasp her foot with your thumbs on top and pull out toward the sides from the center with the rest of your fingers.
Gently pull on each toe and 'pinch' the meat of the toe and nail with your thumb and forefinger.
Continue massaging the muscles of the foot and her calves using your thumbs and forefingers.
Repeat on the other foot and leg.
Pregnancy Magazines, inexpensive and thoughtful
If you're looking for an inexpensive, relatively thoughtful gift for a pregnant woman, a pregnancy-related magazine subscription is a no-brainer.
A gift like this has multiple benefits:
1. Any gift is thoughtful, this one happens to be useful as well.
2. They are a great informational resource.
3. It is automated gifting; one subscription gets you 6-12 separate little gifts.
4. They are inexpensive, between $12 and $15. One magazine in the store would run about 5 bucks.
5. Each time one arrives, she'll remember how thoughtful you were. She'll probably burst in to tears then.
A couple of magazines my wife reads are Fit Pregnancy ($15) and Pregnancy ($12). Granted, they may be an enticement to her to spend more money, but as long as she finds them a worthwhile read then they've served their purpose.