When to tell people, and why to wait

It's can be very difficult to contain your excitement when you find out that you're going to have a baby. There are certain instances during pregnancy when you must exercise restraint and control the flow of information as if it were a matter of national security. The announcement is one of them.

I personally wanted to run out and tell everyone as soon as the pee test was dry, but announcing a pregnancy can be considerably more complicated than most men would ever expect. There are numerous considerations ranging from who to tell, in what order to tell them and how to do it. It is laughably easy to offend someone by not telling them soon enough or letting the news get back to them second hand.

I will get more in depth in future posts about making the big announcement, but my key piece of advice is to wait three months before announcing a pregnancy. I know this sounds like a long time to wait, but speaking from the perspective of someone who has had to go back and “untell” a bunch of people after a miscarriage, it's better off. The rate of miscarriage drops significantly after three months, so it's a good rule of thumb to follow for breaking the news.

It may become a moot point if her morning sickness or general symptoms raise suspicion in people, but still try to keep things under wraps as much as possible.

Fetal Doppler

I came across Fetal Doppler machines on the web and I'm tossing around the idea of renting or buying one. There is no real need for a fetal Doppler, but they give you the ability to hear your child's heartbeat whenever you choose which I find rather cool. They're expensive to buy, but might be worth it if we have more than one kid and my wife wouldn't kill me for shelling out a few c-notes on one of these.

Stork Radio rents units of varying complexity from $20 to $50 per month and cost from $279 to $599 for purchase. You won't be able to hear the baby's heart until the 2-3 month range, so plan on a 6-7 month rental putting you between $120 and $350 to rent depending on the model and length of time.

It's one of those nice-to-haves that my wife would initially yell at me for buying an expensive geek toy, but would later love.

The magic of gift cards, the curse of maternity clothes

It can be especially difficult to buy clothing for pregnant women. You take your life in your hands when guessing sizes for non-pregnant women, and they often don't care for the styles that their partner chooses. Adding hormones and weight gain sensitivity into the mix turns purchasing maternity clothes into a game of Russian Roulette.

She may take an improperly sized garment as an insinuation that you are calling her fat. She may be annoyed by a pattern or scratchy fabrics which make her irritable. Maternity clothes are already a big bone of contention for women, which makes it difficult for men to make an informed decision. A very simple way to circumvent this by giving her a gift card or gift certificate instead of selecting and actual item.

Maternity clothes are often not fashionable, uncomfortable or poorly made. Letting her make her own selection transfers the onus for bad clothing from a poor decision on your part to the fault of the manufacturer for not making something she likes.

Gift cards show consideration while treading lightly around these other issues, but if you absolutely must buy something, a few tips to keep in mind:
1. Comfort comes first.
2. Stick to the maternity equivalent of her normal size. Here's a sizing chart from iMaternity.com
3. Natural fabrics feel better against the skin.
4. Patterns hide size best, however can easily go from fashionable to tacky. (Don't think this means Hawaiian shirts or lumberjack plaid.)


Accessories like scarves, hats, jewelry, bags, etc. should match her pre-maternity styles. You might want to stay away from shoes and pregnant women's feet often grow.

If your pregnant wife weighs more than you...

I would like to relay a little anecdote which I will later tie into some basic guidelines for expectant fathers.

I previously mentioned Couvade, which is the phenomenon of paternal weight gain during pregnancy. Being aware of this, I have added some basic exercise to my routine and have dropped 12 pounds in the process. Meanwhile, my wife has gained another five pounds since her last appointment.

Some basic math made me realize that with her total gain of 18 pounds so far, and my loss of twelve, the gap between our respective body weights has closed by 40 pounds. I also realized that she would gain probably another 18 and I might lose another 10 or so, and quickly voiced my deduction, “wow, you might weigh more than me pretty soon, ha ha ha ha ha."

I gasped quietly. Inside thoughts, Bill. Inside thoughts. I knew I shouldn't have said that, but it was too late. The words had escaped my lips before I realized what I was saying, and apparently struck her ears with the force a kick from a steel toed boot. Her face dropped and she stared at me like she was about to shoot lasers through me.

I will kill you,” she said. “You better not lose any more weight.” I panicked.“I'm just teasing.” I frantically tried to come up with a reason why I was teasing and why it was completely plausible that she might pass me in weight. Pregnant women are shrewd, they can see through lies and will look for any reason to nail you to the wall.

“You're a tall woman, you're six feet tall and you're not gaining an excessive amount of weight at all. How many people have already told you how great you look? It's perfectly natural for you to put on even more weight, and I just happen to be exercising more. That's all. You look great and you're sexy as hell.”

“I know,” she said, “it just sounds like so much. You still better not weight less than me, though.”

So, injury narrowly averted and anecdote finished, what have we learned? If nothing, you'd be best off to wear a protective cup for the remainder of the pregnancy. I leaned several things:

1. Pregnant women are sensitive about their weight. Although it is completely natural for them to gain weight, that doesn't make them happy about it.

2. You should not at any point tease a pregnant woman about her weight. She may laugh initially, but she will almost certainly laugh as she stabs you in your sleep.

3. A clinical approach to a non-clinical comment can calm her long enough for you to flee the area.

4. Do not make it common knowledge, even to her, that she has passed you in weight should it happen.

5. Tell her how beautiful she is, over and over and over. It will help make up for any foot-in-mouth statements. Pregnancy nutrition is very important so you want to make sure she isn't hesitant about eating enough nutritious food.
   

Couvade, weight gain and other gems of expectant fatherhood

With the addition of ice cream as the fifth basic food group of the pregnant household, it can be difficult for father to avoid any collateral weight gain. Especially during the second trimester when women tend to feel better and are able to shop for themselves (not as much morning sickness, but not yet immobile), do not be surprised as to what types or quantities of food may appear at your house. Nor should you be surprised by the times at which she chooses to eat. She will ask you to join her and before you know it, having waffles at 10:30 pm seems completely reasonable… like it did last night.

She’s going to become an eating buddy; like a geriatric version of that kid in college who always had a fifth of Jack Daniels ready at a moment’s notice, but with peanut butter cups instead.

This leads me to the topic of paternal weight gain and other pregnancy symptoms wrapped up under the blanket of the Couvade syndrome. This is basically a set of sympathetic changes in expectant fathers that mimic certain aspects of pregnancy, the most notable of which is weight gain. I have personally lost 13 pounds since the beginning of my wife’s pregnancy, but it’s not for lack of trying and the pusher-like tactics of my wife. Regardless, this change in diet is one of the reasons why exercise is so important for pregnant dads. The catch-22 is that although your caloric intake will increase, your free time will decrease leaving you less time for exercise.

A very easy way to get some exercise during the day is to go for at least a one mile walk during your lunch time. Use the stairs instead of elevators, walk in place of driving or riding when possible and drink plenty of water. The water helps your body metabolize fats and improves your digestive system, skin and overall health.

Other symptoms of Couvade include insomnia, indigestion, nausea, changes in appetite and aches and pains. 1

Some of this could easily be attributed to proximity to a pregnant woman who, for example, tosses in her sleep and wakes her partner at the same time. Changes in stress, diet, schedule and exercise levels could easily account for weight gain, indigestion and many of the other apparently pregnant-sympathetic experiences.

Regardless, it is important to make sure you’re eating healthy and taking care of yourself or you’ll never be able to manage caring for her.

1. Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Couvade_syndrome

Tell her she's beautiful

One of the most important things you can do for a pregnant woman is let her know how beautiful she is. A few simple words may mean more to her than anything else you could do.

Words of encouragement are a crucial element of an expectant father’s emotional support. Her hormones are wreaking havoc with her emotions and weight gain, breakouts, stretch marks and morning sickness have her insecurities at a peak and her self consciousness at an all time low.

Take the opportunity to simply tell her that she is beautiful. It may not be the manufactured physical beauty in print or on TV, but a truly natural beauty. There is nothing more feminine than a pregnant woman, so tell her that.

Don’t lay it on too thick, she’ll see right through it. As it is, she’ll argue with you and provide a list of reasons why she thinks she’s not attractive, but be resolute. Just talk to her, compliment her, and know that a few words may mean the world to her.

Pregnant women are irritable

It's a fact of pregnancy, so get used to it; pregnant women are very irritable. In their defense, expectant mothers have rushes of havoc-wreaking hormones, reduced mobility, nausea, headaches, tire easily and feel all around crappy. It doesn't make it easy to live with and deal with, but it's just how things are.

That being said, any conversation with a pregnant woman is like a mine field; a seemingly harmless proposition laden with highly explosive potential just below the surface.

They criticize, complain and pick fights, only to quickly retreat behind a veil of tears. The only thing you really can do is grin, bear it and walk away or diffuse the situation. If not, then she'll end up sobbing and you'll feel bad. Try not to snap, try not to yell back.

Be particularly aware of this in the first and third trimesters, as these are the times during which pregnant women typically feel worst; in the first trimester due to morning sickness and in the third because of frustration, immobility and aches from weight gain. She may become cranky or irrational and do so at the drop of a hat.

Just keep in mind that you love her and she is bearing the next great president / professional athlete / scientist / doctor / little miracle.