Pregnancy Information = Pregnancy Interest

One of the best ways for a father to demonstrate his enthusiasm and involvement in a pregnancy is to educate himself about the mechanics of the whole ordeal; stages of fetal development, changes in the mother's body, expert advice, who supplanted the woman with whom you wanted to have sex with this crazy woman from whom you now hide your unprotected testicles.

(One mother recently responded to a question I posted on Yahoo! Answers said that when her husband wiped sweat from her brow during delivery, it made her want "to punch him in the funbags.")

Taking the initiative to study about the changes that your wife and baby undergo shows that you are committed to her. There may be no logical reason whatsoever to suggest that you are not committed to her and the child, but the hormonal influences of pregnancy tend towards highly emotional outbursts rather than logical and collected expression (i.e., punching a husband in his “funbags”).

Reading women's pregnancy books is a great way to learn because you'll know exactly what she does and won't be behind the curve. Buying her a book is a highly suggested because it is not only a sweet gift, but is a source of great information for you. One particular title that has seems to be the bible of pregnancy amongst my wife's friends is What to Expect When You're Expecting($8.37 from Amazon).

Of course, there's plenty of information available on the web. Babycenter.com has a cool pregnancy calendar that shows information about your partner's particular stage of pregnancy based on due date, and will send you or her twice-weekly email updates.

The key thing to remember is that staying informed is a primary method of involvement during pregnancy. Not only does your reading demonstrate interest in her and the baby, the more information you have the better you will be able to calm her fears and understand the crazy mess known as the pregnant lady.

Talking to the belly

I’ve made a habit of talking to my wife’s pregnant belly every night before bed and every morning before I leave for work. And while my words are of no particular importance, they are far and away the two most important conversations of my day.

It is rarely more than a verbal stream of consciousness. I ramble on about my day or bonding experiences I’m looking forward to with him; things like kung fu, fast cars and matters of general suaveness.

I talk about nothing particularly sweet or endearing (like I said, kung fu, fast cars, etc.), but my hope is that he will develop an in-utero affinity for my voice. Dr. Thomas R. Verny, author of The Secret Life of the Unborn Child: How You Can Prepare Your Baby for a Happy, Healthy Life ($10.88 from Amazon), has done studies which demonstrate that newborns can distinguish and are calmed by the voice of their father if he spoke to them during the pregnancy. That is something I want, I want to have a connection with my child.

And as much as I want to be familiar to him, my daily monologues help make him familiar to me.

At times I wish that I could have as intimate a bond with our little unborn nugget as my wife does. When she wakes up, goes to sleep, fixes a snack, picks up the phone, the baby is with her. They are inextricably linked to each other. Speaking to him is my attempt to form an early bond because I lack that physical immediacy with the child. I began speaking to him out of ignorance, with no knowledge of Verny’s studies or proof that he even had functioning ears. I may have begun too early, but it was just something I wanted to do.

Does it make a difference? I think so. Could I be wrong? Quite possibly, it happens often. We may only know for sure if he starts side-kicking people from a speeding Ferrari, but I’ll take that chance.

Prejudice against expectant fathers : You are apparently an idiot

During your bid as an expectant father one of the most difficult things to do is to keep quiet and not say anything at all. "Why so difficult?" you may ask. Well, the reason is that as an expectant father you are constantly barraged with advice, criticism and fear-mongering from people who are clearly not the most well-suited parents.

The wost offenders are female and they will express their gender issues to the full extent while you're expected to just smile and nod. Anything that the father of her children, who is attempting to drink away the sound of her voice, has done wrong is transferred to you for the sake of conversation. The worst part of these "I'm a mother and you're not" rants is that their high-strung, neurotic children are within your peripheral vision as she continues to spout.

"Oh, you're not going to know what to do when..." someone will surely begin before my focus drifts to her child who begins to break anything within arms-reach for the sake of attention. Smile and nod, smile and nod.

While advice is often well intentioned, people have the worst way of imparting whatever knowledge they have to offer. I don't have a problem with advice, I rather welcome it. It's the delivery I can't stand. People need to be more gracious with their words, and I say this with the hopes that I will do the same when on the opposite side of this exchange.

Clinging on for dear life

Sometime between the fourth and fifth months of pregnancy your wife/ girlfriend/ baby-momma may become incredibly, somewhat annoyingly clingy to you. She will track your every move with the deftness of a bloodhound. She will be the human equivalent of a house-arrest ankle bracelet.

"What are you doing?" will be her mantra, even if you just answered her a few minutes before.

The key here is to be patient and communicative with her. Explain your plans to her as if she were your parole officer, because that's how she'll act. For example, if you're going out to mow the lawn, tell her what you're doing, how long it will take (always pad your estimate with extras, i.e., weed whacking) and check in on her a couple times during the process.

I was unaware of this phenomenon until I realized I felt guilty for ever leaving a room she was in. I felt as though I had been neglecting her whenever I wasn't within eyesight. The truth is, I don't mind. She's experiencing physical and hormonal changes which I can't possibly understand and a little bit of togetherness isn't the worst thing in the world. Just make sure you do have some time to yourself in the interest of preservation of sanity, and leave the room if you feel the need to yell or put your head through a wall to make the questions stop.

If you're not able to shake the round one who's following you around, try taking her to a movie. It's a great way to be together without having to listen to her.

Her incredible shrinking bladder

The pregnant woman's bladder is a logistical nightmare for men. For the duration of the pregnancy you should not plan to do anything with your wife outside of a two-minute travel radius from a bathroom. Don't start any activities which don't allow for breaks every fifteen minutes and do not expect her (or you, by proxy) to sleep through the night without the interruption of multiple bathroom trips. I wish I were exaggerating, but I am not.

Why does she pee so much, you might ask. Well, in technical terms, her bladder's capacity is roughly equivalent to the volume of a thimble and nearly as suited for holding fluids. That, and kidney activity increases to clean her body and remove waste products, which results in frequent urination.

Regardless of the reason, you simply need to know that your estimate of a reasonable amount of time to engage in any activity without requiring a rest room is probably four times longer than she will be able to handle.

I know that sounds ridiculous, and it is, but it's true.

When driving, try and pick a route with clean restrooms along the way and make sure she goes just before you leave the house. It is in your best interest to remind her before you ever walk out the door as her bathroom dilemma will become yours if she needs an emergency pee break. If she says she doesn't have to go, ask her if she's sure and suggest that she try before any departure; picture it as practice for after the baby is born.

First hamburger in 21 years.

Last Sunday my wife agreed to something I never thought I'd see; she ate a hamburger of her own free will. A real hamburger, made solely from beef. No bean patties, no soy derivative. Meat.

It was her first burger in 21 years, all because of the pregnant crazies.

My wife had been a vegetarian for the past couple of decades (with the recent exclusions of fish and chicken) so you can imagine my surprise when she gave the idea of a burger even a glancing consideration. Further more, she didn't just tolerate the burger, she loved it. She had a second one a couple hours later.

Now it's not like she's not eating steak at every meal, but it was significant in that the idea of eating red meat used to make her feel sick. Obviously certain cravings may be tied to different nutritional requirements, but it's a good example of the unexpected changes that pregnant women go through. I've said it before but remember, the pregnant woman is a fickle being, feed it well and it won't turn on you.

Pregnant woman = designated driver

One of the minor, unexpected perks of being an expectant father is that you have a built-in, pre-determined designated driver.

I realized this earlier tonight when a friend and new father (congratulations, Joad and Sarah!) offered me a beer. Alison was unable to drink on account of being all sorts of pregnant, so yes, I would love a beer.

There are a few considerations for your indentured driver. First, if you drink too much you will look extra sloppy on account of her being completely sober. Second, her hormones may cause her to detest you for any drunkenness or social behavior which may cause misgivings about your suitability as a parent. Third, she will tire more easily and will want to leave a social environment before you do so you may not be able to drink for very long.

Otherwise, in moderation, enjoy!