I want to address a comment from a female reader left on my recent post, Warning, the second trimester is a trap! This person was clearly upset with certain incorrect assumptions she made about my writing. Because this person left the comment anonymously, I am going by her IP address which indicates that she wrote from a company in New York which I will refer to as O & M; thus "angry woman at O & M in NYC."
The following was her comment:
I think that your generalizations of pregnancy is ridiculous. Your wife is letting you believe that pregnancy is a torture when it truly is not. Uncomfortable, maybe, but in no way conspicuously so that she would turn against the world. During my pregnancy I never felt the need nor the desire to frustrate, yell at or demand my partner. Nor did I ever require any special treatment or attention. If a woman is uncomfortable, there is no reason she should spread the discomfort around. In fact, the more relaxed my partner is, the more relaxed and comfortable I am in my pregnancy. Simple as that. What kind of sissy,spoiled universe were you sucked into beliving is the norm...
A few points, if I may.
First, "generalizations of pregnancy is ridiculous" is not proper subject-verb agreement. It should be "generalizations of pregnancy are". You work for a marketing company, I hope you don't write for them.
Second, it's a blog, not a scientific journal. I try and make things as factual as possible, such as dietary or medical information, but feel that's only part of the picture. The purpose of my anecdotes is to provide information outside the realm of the strictly analytical and demonstrate a point of view that is not that of the pregnant woman. I clearly employ hyperbole, I thought suggesting that my wife ate a domesticated cat would have been clear enough indication. I guess I was wrong.
Your opinion, while well understood, is completely irrelevant to why I am writing. It does however illustrate that the expectant father's voice is neither well documented or often appreciated. I will make a very solid bet that the father of your child felt things very similar to what I express in my blog. I'm glad you think that you never frustrated your partner, but I find it highly unlikely. You sound rather domineering so he probably didn't bother because it wasn't worth his headache. I think this reinforces that the expectant father is often unheard. If this was your reaction to a complete stranger's opinion, I can only imagine how you would treat him.
Third, my wife isn't "letting me believe" anything. She's a very tough individual, and has actually been very agreeable during pregnancy. She's a trooper and I love and respect her. She is also not a sissy; she once spent six weeks stranded in the rockies after surviving a plane crash with nothing more than a spork and two match heads. She emerged a month and a half later looking fabulous and sporting a pair of capri pants she fashioned from the hide of a bear she beat to death because it "wuz eyin' me wrong." <*hyperbole*>
She has at no point led me to believe it was a "torture", and I don't consider a few moments here and there over a period of nine months to be sissy and or spoiled on my part or hers. However, I use specific points in time to illustrate particular points, and are not indicative of a pervasive attitude. They are simply points in time.
From the manner in which you wear your emotional "fortitude" on your sleeve, it sounds as though you felt unable to be emotionally available to your partner. Frankly, I find that sad and only hope you don't maintain that posture with your child. I don't think any individual, man or woman, should have to go through major life events without feeling like they can't express or share with their partner. If they can't, that relationship should be reexamined. I honestly don't believe that a woman should have to go through pregnancy bottling everything up and pretending like discomfort is a weakness.
Please keep in mind that I get much of my information from many pregnant women themselves, not just from my own experience. I love women and think pregnancy and pregnant women are beautiful. The purpose of my writing is not to trash women, and if you think so you've clearly missed the point. It is about the experience of pregnancy from different vantage points.
Thank you for writing. I appreciate your opinion and it provided an opportunity to clarify certain points.
10 comments:
Thank you for taking a moment to craft a reply to a comment that I had posted to your open forum. I appreciate you including my comment in your post. The opinion that I have expressed is in opposition to the views that you have shared on the pregnancy experience even if these had stemmed from personal and/or shared views and opinions. I would have expected my opinion to be accepted as that of a woman who has been pregnant and has had an entirely different pregnancy experiences. In this fashion your comments and observations would be in fact more reliable, even if, as you have remarked, not constituting a scientific commentary.
Certain assumptions that you have made are incorrect and I would like to bring them to your attention.
I was not in any way angry preparing my input. Nor, am I not a writer. In fact, I do write extensively and this constitutes a portion of my income. While your forum is casual, I did not proof-read my entry. Since, proof reading and correct grammatical structures are the norm that you expect, I would suggest your proof-read your own entries before publishing them for viewing by your audience:
1)You work for an marketing company, I hope you don't write for them.
Comment: no AN in front of marketing
2)I think this reinforces that the expectant father is often unheard. If this was your reaction to a complete stranger's opinion, I can only imagine how you would treat him.
Comment: the stranger or the expectent father?
3)the rockies
Comment: the Rockies
My comment is hardly a reflection of my relationship with my partner. Nor is my reference to discomfort an indication of weakness on mine or my partner's part. For an expressive person, I would hardly view myself as partially or fully contained in a bottle. Assumptions on your part in your replay of that particular nature lead me to believe that you, whose research and observations were challenged, were in fact angry at the prospect of facing such an opposition.
I hope in the future you are tolerant of observations that do not conform to yours, and present them in the realm of a neutral forum that you claim to be establishing.
As a writer I am certain that you are familiar with the definition of the word anonymous. The meaning is inclusive of all forms of anonymity including origin. As such by incorporating the symbols identifying a particular business with which I partially identify, you have breached an unstated wish from a reader of your open forum. This speaks to the level of respect and consideration you as an author hold for your audience members.
For the most part, I find your entries inaccurate, but fairly entertaining.
Good luck to your family with the new big changes that will arrive in your life.
-Anonymous
Dear AWAOMINNYC,
Please note that your initial note was not simply a congenial criticism of my content. The terms "ridiculous", "sissy" and "spoiled" indicate quite the opposite.
I openly accept criticism, which I indicated by publishing your comment in the first place. If suppressing your opinion was my goal I wouldn't have provided a forum for discussion. I am not angry at the opposition and do accept your opinion although I disagree with it and the manner in which you expressed it.
As for your anonymity, there are upwards of six hundred companies in the New York area with the initials O & M. I did not mention your company by name, although I could have.
I made the corrections you suggested as indicated by strikeouts, thanks for pointing them out. As for inaccuracies, I provide links to third party sources as verification for things I write. Other than that, I continue to welcome the opinions of others and thank you for reading. As long as the banter is witty, keep it coming!
Bill
Gosh, what a b**ch.
This lady is obviously very bitter and it's sad that she continued to attack you by becoming a grammar "nazi".
I can't help but think either;
A) This lady is pregnant and just hasn't taken a test yet,
B) She simply did not REALIZE that she was more beastly while pregnant, as I didn't realize it until it was pointed out, or
C)She is so beastly to begin with that her partner simply didn't notice a change in this with her pregnancy.
She states pregnancy is not miserable, I disagree with this very much so as I think that vomiting 8-11 times per day would definitely be considered miserable as well as having to wake up three times a night just to freakin pee!!! Although pregnancy is not always miserable it definitely does have miserable times.
I often get frustrated at my spouse when he wants to eat something that simply smells nauseating, or when he says something about my growing belly, or when for no reason at all I cry!!
Although I may not demand more from him I certainly ask more! I ask for him to bring me water while I am puking, pick up saltine crackers while he is at the store, be quite while I have a migraine, and tie my shoes during winter months when flip flops are obviously out of the question (considering I live in Utah). I ask him not to get frustrated when he doesn't know why I am crying because I usually don't know why! I also ask for more hugs and more sleep! I am sure if you were to ask him he could think of a million other things that I have failed to mention.
Special treatment I require.... more pillows, more rest, less house work, more time to get in and out of the vehicle, more time to get up from the couch, more potty breaks on road trips and at movies, and the purchase of maternity clothing.
I find it hard to believe that a pregnant women didn't experience anything that would make her needs increase from prior to the pregnancy. This angry woman seems as though she is already very demanding and frustrated. The choice of wording used was no wear near appropriate if she were simply stating her experiences!! I can most certainly guarantee her partner would say that at the least she required more potty breaks and more stops on road trips... does this not qualify as special attention/treatment or more demands?
Anyways thank you angry woman for showing us that there are still people in this world who do not understand anything but themselves and view the world as revolving around themselves without even noticing.
Dear O&M in NYC,
At 6 months pregnant, I'm going to tell you something I've put a lot of thought and reflection into. Take your opinion and shove it up your ***. Sideways. Normally an collected and calm person, so far this week I've gotten into arguments with my steering wheel, the cabinet shelf, my slippers, the cat, the curtains, the leaves outside, and yes, if the wonderful man in my life were in front of me now and not safely at work, I would choke him just for breathing. Mind you I was totally in love with him yesterday.
Pregnancy is overall a happy experience...Overall. That doesn't mean 100% of the time. And yes, when I'm having hormonal moments/days/weeks spreading the discomfort makes me a feel a hell of a lot better. The more relaxed my partner is when I'm not, the more I want to choke him. I can picture me as Homer Simpson and him as Bart at times like this. "Simple as that. What kind of sissy,spoiled universe were you sucked into beliving is the norm". Sounds like you got this a little backwards, are on many psychotropic medications, hiding the inner demons you have, and/or are not pregnant, just fat.
Reading Almost A Dad's blog has made me laugh and smile more today than I have in the last week. So unless you have a penis and got someone pregnant, you shouldn't be telling him how to look at things from a soon to be dad's point of view.
Well Said above. I do believe that Almost a Dad created this blog to share with readers HIS experiences of pregnancy and HIS relationship with his wife!! I may be wrong though, my partner is 8 weeks pregnant and it has just been pointed out to me that I have spent the last 34 years getting it wrong!! Apart from of course that one day when I got it right and gave her the baby that we are so excited about. However to join the discussion, she has turned into a monster, a very scary monster!! she has this wonderful ability to melt my heart with a really sweet gesture, yet when I return the favour like offer to do the washing up or the ironing (we don’t live together yet) she turns and rips out my recently melted heart and I am left wondering what it was that I did wrong. I'm told that it is something to do with the fact that she has been single for 10 years and has had to bring up her three wonderful children on her own and is fiercely independent and finds it difficult to share her chores. This I know will have to change as she is already completely exhausted and suffering terribly from morning sickness. I am supportive and loving, and I tell her I love her and that she is beautiful whenever I think it is appropriate, oh and she cannot take a compliment, mind you I think that is the only part of her personality that hasn’t changed in the pregnancy!!
This will be my second child and her fourth. My daughter from my ex wife is an angel and the pregnancy with her was painless, in fact nobody even realised that my wife was pregnant *insert your own jokes here* and with only Gestational Diabetes to report the pregnancy was very smooth, no mood changes, no unreal expectations of me, mainly really because her life did not change at all during pregnancy as I did everything anyway. So I think I can be forgiven for referring back to what I have previously experienced!! OH BOY!!! Was I wrong! My usually wonderful girl whom I adore and love with all my heart has turned into Beelzebub but with a pretty face! I am however trying to be very understanding and yet last night despite all of the wonderful and fun advice on this forum I decided to bite back!! Now I had to do this via the phone as she didn’t want to see me yesterday and after trying to speak to her all day I finally got her late in the evening and proceed to get a barrage of what I was doing wrong, now I took all of this and thought remember Almost a Dad, keep calm don’t rise to it she will calm down in a minute…………….. She didn’t!
So I told her a little bit about how I was feeling and explained to her that although I am understanding and infinitely supportive and that I love her with all of my heart there are times in her incredibly busy life (and believe me I do understand) but I want a little consideration, does she not think that I would like to hear about her day! for her to make contact and just say hi still feeling sick but I still love you! I would like for her to think of me for a bit and give me 30 mins no even 15 mins of her time for us to just say hi. I don’t think I am being unreasonable as I am giving and will continue to give her and all the kids the world…. Just 15 mins a day for her man!
And for the lady above, if this conflicts with your experience and you think that I am wrong, then please do tell me and come and walk a day in my shoes and then tell us that we don’t all have different issues and one more note to Almost a Dad, great blog and despite my little hiccup you have provided me with some sanity.
I think one major point that has been glossed over a bit is that O&M in NYC is assuming (in spite of asserting that "your generalizations of pregnancy is ridiculous") that all women are dealing with the identical experiences and symptoms that she had.
Like she apparently was, I am also fortunate enough to have a relatively consistent and stable mood so far (28 weeks in) and haven't had any unmanageable bouts of frustration or anger. I rarely am annoyed and never volatile with dad-to-be. (Yes, and maybe that is partially because he has always been more than eager to offer footrubs and take on all the chores without me having to ask.) Either way, I would say I've been more or less just myself. You can even ask the inanimate objects I haven't yelled at.
However, I also seem to be in a special percentile of women that has almost every other potential problem. From kidney infections, sacroiliac joint dysfunction, fibroids, gallstones, and gestational diabetes to name a few, there is no shortage of discomfort to compound the normal exhaustion, nausea, heartburn and pee frenzy-filled days and nights already on the agenda.
I do make an effort to be acutely aware of my comments and complaints as I, myself, even get tired of hearing my groans as I attempt to bend or roll over. One night, I was trying especially hard to be a trooper so my partner could get some sleep… and the next day I found myself, once again, in the ER - this time being reprimanded by nurses explaining how my trying to be "tough" was putting me at risk and subjecting me to undue suffering. I should have said something about how bad I felt and been treated 20 hours earlier!
I also find that talking with my hubby helps me recognize behaviors that will help me avoid future discomforts. He noticed that I mention my gallbladder acts up specifically after I eat meals with onions. I hadn't even made that connection! He's very astute.
O&M in NYC may very well have had what my teenage sister is convinced she will experience - a completely joy-filled and complication-free pregnancy that will complete her life and be like Christmas every single day. Good for those people! I do envy them as I stare into my toilet and dream of delicious Thai curries I can no longer stomach. However, it's pretty a pretentious assumption that those of us who have it a little harder are perpetuating the "sissy, spoiled universe" O&M in NYC believes we populate.
Also, while it isn't my intention of running with the lynch mob after O&M in NYC, I found this pretty funny: "Nor, am I not a writer." ...haha, *no kidding!*
I guess I don't even need to comment. While I understand some women find pregnancy to be nothing but beautiful and fantastic, I've seen first hand how it feels. My mother is all over the charts and every one of the 60 things that a pregnant woman is. I think we should all respect this blog as a very helpful tool for both dads and other helpers alike. Though not every woman fits the description, many do! I say great job, Bill. You are doing a wonderful thing here!
Each pregnancy is different. For example my dad was very lucky my mom had not hormones, not anger nor cravings lol. When she gave birth to my older sister she said she felt constipated and only after a couple of hours when she got to the hospital she realized she was in labor lol. On the other hand, fo rme the toilette was my best friend for the first three months, I was always tired and now on my fifth month I am a pregzilla who out of nowhere takes it out on her boyfriend. I find your blog extremely amusing, funny and honest but most of all I found it because you gave insight to a pregnant woman see from the guys point of view. My boyfriend find this blog amusing and helpful and I am so glad we found it. That anonymous lady should chill out and take that pineapple out of her ass and for once in her life she should laugh at herself and her fellow pregnant ladies who become some kind of pregzillas lol.
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